Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
