My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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