so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize