The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize