I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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