I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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