I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Randomize
