How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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