he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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