i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
