i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize