Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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