When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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