apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
