You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
