Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize