can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
