Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
