just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
