You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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