My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well you can't waste a boner
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
