You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
