Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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