Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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