Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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