and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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