I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
