a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
