I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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