You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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