DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
