Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
