I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
