True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
