He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
