I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
