So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
