Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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