the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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