why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
