So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
