My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
