he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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