He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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