Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
