So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
