She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize