Kareoke will never be a sober sport
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
