i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
