Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We had sex on a dog bed..
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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