I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
