Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
