I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
