I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
