Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
