all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
