last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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