piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
