im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
